I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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