he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
