walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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