In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
