When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
