He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I have aggressive nipples.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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