Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
