There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
