Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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