I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
