so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
this is an emotional support booty call
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
