I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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