you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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