just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
