I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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