Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
