Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
