That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
