he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
