this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
