My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
