Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
