anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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