I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
