Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
