Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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