Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
