If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
