I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
