and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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