i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
