Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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