I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
