I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Is Oprah even human
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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