WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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