what day is it and did you see me today?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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