I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
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