Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
