i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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