I didn't shave. On purpose
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
