no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
