wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
