woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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