Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
