Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
