you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
