I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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