Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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