the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
