she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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